‘Next-level helicopter parents’ track their grown children, intervene in roommate conflicts

Increased parental anxiety is resulting in “next-level helicopter parenting” for college students, one psychotherapist told Fox News Digital — and others agree that as well-intentioned as it may be, it can cause harm in the long run.

“There is no doubt [that] parents are more concerned and more intrusive than ever,” Jonathan Alpert, a psychotherapist in Manhattan and Washington, D.C., and author of Be Fearless: Change Your Life in 28 Days, told Fox News Digital via email Tuesday .

Some parents, Alpert said, “track their kids through apps and even try to connect with professors.”

As college classes resume, social media posts abound from worried parents wondering if they should call their child’s RA (resident assistant), intervene in roommate affairs, or even drive to campus to help. their child make friends.

An Aug. 29 post on Reddit’s r/College page by a person claiming to be a freshman at Yale detailed how her parents are “constantly stalking” her — even setting her bedtime.

“They stipulate that I must be in bed, in the dormitory, by 10 o’clock every night. I’ve changed my location to Find My on my iPad, which I leave in my dorm, and block my location on Life 360 ​​to avoid this,” said Reddit user “Sageshrub.” Life360 is a sharing app of the location.

Sageshrub wrote that her mother “called the police at my school and found out where I was” after she didn’t answer the phone.

“She then emailed my dean and wants me to withdraw from the school,” she said, adding that “the controlling behavior makes me so anxious and depressed – does anyone have any ideas what I can do to get a peace at last?”

Fox News Digital reached out to Sageshrub for any updates.

This kind of over-the-top behavior from parents isn’t completely unheard of, Alpert said.

“In my practice, I’ve had many parents contact me on behalf of their adult child to try to schedule therapy appointments,” he said. The behavior is more rooted in parental anxiety than a young adult’s inability to make a date, he said.

“Many parents who have a strong emotional bond with their child can feel an equally strong sense of loss when their child goes off to college,” Alpert said.

Using apps to track their children gives parents “a sense of control and security and helps alleviate their anxiety.”

He suggests parents “strike a balance” — a balance that allows them to grow as independent adults.

One thing parents are experiencing today is “worry about worry, or anxiety about the possibility of anxiety,” Jennifer L. Hartstein, PsyD, told Fox News Digital. Hartstein Psychological Services, PLLC, is based in New York.

“The problem with that is that it eventually trickles down to their college-aged child, creating anxiety for them as well,” she said via email.

During the start of college, it’s “normal” for young people to undergo what Hartstein called an “adjustment period” — “anxiety, sadness, some difficulty settling in.” She said that “many parents react strongly to this, feeling like their child is really suffering rather than navigating the typical reactions to novelty and change.”

These parents “try to step in” and fix the problem – but in doing so, they prevent “growth, learning and resilience”.

“While it may seem easier for parents to just step in, and it eases parents’ anxiety, it actually does a real disservice to young people,” she said.

Instead, “parents need to slow down, get their reactions under control and help teach and guide their children instead of doing it for them,” Hartstein said.

But for some young college students, their parents are just doing what they’ve always done: hovering over them.

Helicopter parents for years

Parents who engage in this behavior “are preventing their child from learning how to be a functioning independent adult,” Dr. Gail Saltz, associate professor of psychiatry at NY Presbyterian Hospital Weill-Cornell School of Medicine and host of “How Can I Help?” podcast, told Fox News Digital via email.

Many of these parents, Saltz said, “have been helicopter parents for many years, smoothing the way, helping their children avoid mistakes or failures, [and] taking care of the problems their children face.”

Being a helicopter parent with a successful child is an essential part of their identity, she explained. “The successes of their child [are] a reflection in their mind about their watchful parenting and their children’s difficulties means they are not doing a good enough job.”

However, raising young people this way does not set them up for success in adulthood.

Independent and functioning adults are those “with confidence in their ability to manage life, by learning how to make mistakes and get back up,” she said.

This means they have the ability to learn from their mistakes and gain confidence in their academic abilities – something that cannot happen if a parent is constantly chasing and editing homework.

“Now you have some realities created by parents doing this the first time these kids are on their own to manage the concrete and emotional tasks that are going to cause struggle,” Saltz said.

Anxiety about the potential of a child experiencing war, coupled with the readiness that something will go wrong the first time a child is alone, “creates a recipe for extreme college helicoptering,” Saltz said.

‘Don’t lose your teenager’

Parents sending their children to college should “realize that you’re not losing your teenager,” Alpert told Fox News Digital, adding that “Your child going to college is a sign that you’ve done everything right.”

A parent must “trust that you have taught your child well and that he/she will know how to face the many challenges that lie ahead, and this is part of building character.”

Someone struggling with these emotions, he said, should “reconstruct them and recognize it as progress and achievement.”

Additionally, Alpert said, “next-level helicopter parents” need to work on their mental state. “Remember, stress can be contagious and naturally, your child will want to comfort you,” he said.

A child who feels like he or she is responsible for alleviating a parent’s anxiety may have trouble assimilating into college life, Alpert said.

“It can also put them in a tough spot where they feel torn: Take care of their parents’ emotions or get out there and experience autonomy,” he said.

Instead, a worried parent should look to other parents for support, Alpert said.

“They will understand your emotions and you can be each other’s best friends during this transition,” he said.